


Unsent and Unspoken

by MagnaMnemosyne



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Gen, I offer no other explanation, Swearing, but this one I actually started writing, granted all of my ideas are weird, i had a weird idea, vague mention of alcohol, vague mention of violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-19 10:18:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9435821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagnaMnemosyne/pseuds/MagnaMnemosyne
Summary: EDI's archive of ZK Shepard's unsent messages to Kaidan Alenko during their mission to stop the Collectors.





	1. Subject: News

Subject: News

Recipient: Alenko, K.

Sender: Shepard, Z.

            So, um. I don’t know if this address will work, but I’ve got to try, you know? Nobody’s giving me a straight answer about anything. Shit, I don’t even know if the message will send or if it’ll be intercepted. Or even if I _should_ send it. Or if you’ll even open it, it might be passed off as spam. Dead sender, and all. Ah, fuck…

            It’s Zadia- man, that sounds weird. ZK Shepard. I’m… well, I’m alive. I know, I know, it’s been two years, and the first question anyone asks is “how did you survive?” so before you ask, I didn’t. I didn’t survive the attack on the Normandy, and I don’t know how I’m back, but here I am. Also…God, how do people just _have conversations_ like this? How does anyone make this sound…not fucked? I can’t think of a way other than just coming out and saying it, but… I’m with Cerberus. Well, I say “with”. They’re the ones that brought me back. Somehow. But I’ve been on a leash since I woke up. I’m sorry I didn’t contact you earlier, but this is the first time I’ve had a single moment without that hound Miranda looking over my goddamn shoulder for…a month? Two? Shit, I hate this. Everything is so jumbled.

            I heard the Council’s been denouncing everything I’ve said about the Reapers. Which is…shitty, and annoying, but not all that surprising, I guess. It's definitely going to bite someone in the ass later. But I’m giving the Citadel a wide berth for now. Those human colonies that’ve been going missing, apparently that’s the Collectors, working for the Reapers. But there’s no proof except for my word and the word of a traumatized Quarian, which, as we all know, is no proof. Of fucking course, hard evidence would make things easy, and we certainly can’t give Shepard an easy time. But I’m going after them, and for that it looks like I have to be on this leash for a while longer. Fuckers, I bet that’s exactly what the Illusive Man was hoping for, too. God fucking dammit. I hate having to bite the bullet on this one.

            Especially after everything they’ve done. I just- the Thorian, the husks, the Rachni. Admiral Kahoku. I can’t get the sight of those outposts out of my memory, it’s like they’re burned to the back of my eyes. Every time I see one of those damn sigils, it’s another round trip to Hell Lite™, and I’m surrounded by the damn things. And nobody seems to care. Maybe because they didn’t see this shit, I don’t know. But I can’t justify this. I hate it. I hate-

            Joker is here, and Dr. Chakwas. They- Cerberus- rebuilt the Normandy. It’s…familiar, but not quite right, y’know? Too bright, too big. Foreign. Especially with Pressly and Adams being… Especially without Pressly and Adams. And Jenkins. And Williams. I don’t think I can get the hang of civ ships. I’ve been a marine for…12, 14 years? But a lot of the crew used to be Alliance. I don’t know how I feel about that. Are they traitors, or should I be glad to have them? Ah, shit, I’m rambling.

            This is so damn surreal. I should…nah. I don’t know what I’ll do, or what’s going on half the time. I’ll try to make sense of it, and I’ll try to be in touch, I hope.

            Stay safe, Kaidan. I’m sorry, for… I don’t even know. Please stay safe.

Shepard

[ARCHIVED; SEND/DELETE/ **SAVE** ?]


	2. Subject: About Horizon-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A response to Kaidan's letter after Horizon.

Subject: About Horizon-

Recipient: Alenko, K.

Sender: Shepard, Z.

Well, that went to shit.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, I’m sorry you found out like that, I’m sorry I didn’t get there in time. I never seem to fucking get there in time. It’s always the battle or the mop-up, never the prevention.

I know you’re angry. I know you’re hurt. I understand, and you didn’t deserve that, and I’m sorry. If there was anything I could say to make it right, I would, in a heartbeat. If there had been any other option…no. There were other options. I could have sent that message I’ve had saved for a month, but I didn’t know if it would be traced by TIM, or Miranda, or some Cerberus intel officer. Fuck, I’m pretty sure the yeoman is reporting on me, too. I didn’t want to expose you to that. That’s a piss-poor excuse, but there it is.

That Collector ship… Something was off about that. _Really off._ That...Harbinger, or whatever it calls itself, knew me by name. Threatened me  _personally_. I’ve had enough of those fuckers. I’m going to find a way to take them out. Mark my words, I will bring back our colonists, and I will stop the Collectors, and I will stop the Reapers. Again. Even if that means…regardless of what that means.

We’re looking for a way to follow the Collectors. I'm setting up an information dump to broadcast if I fail. Any information that might help, every scrap of anything I've collected that might give us a fighting chance, I’ll be forwarding to the Council and the Alliance, in case this all blows up in my face. Small chance, but I get the feeling this isn’t going to be like any other mission I’ve ever been on. Which is saying something, given my history.

I’m . .. I’m not handling this well. Wording this well, I mean. Prime demonstration of my innate ability to put my foot in my damn mouth. Things…got heated on Horizon. I understand your anger, and I don’t expect you to just accept this right off the bat. I said some things back there that…I could have fucked up less.

In your message, you asked if I remember the night before Ilos.

I do.

And it means as much to me as it does to you, maybe more. You…being with you reminded me that life isn’t always a battle. You made it better. That night was…the first time I haven’t had nightmares, the first time I’ve really had peace, in over 20 years. Crazy, huh? Even the thresher scars stopped hurting.

But when I first heard Horizon was being attacked, and that you were stationed there, everything…shattered. If they had hurt you, if they had targeted you because of me, I’d never forgive myself. How could I? And now it looks like that’s exactly what’s happening. They’re after me, and people close to me, and that put you in danger. God, how could I? If I had…If… _shit_.

I wish I could make promises. I wish I could say that I’ll take care of this, and everything will calm down, and maybe we can try again. But, somehow…I don’t think things will calm down. I think this is just the beginning of a long, terrible fight. We already know the Collectors are much more advanced than us, but that’s not the worst of it. There could be millions, billions of them, and if the Collectors are working for the Reapers… If I fail here, it’s not just my ass on the line. This is going to be messy, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to return even if I _do_ succeed.

…This message turned into a mess. Sorry about that.

Try not to get abducted by Collectors, eh?

Shepard

[ARCHIVED; SEND/DELETE/ **SAVE** ?]

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so. This started with this first response, but then I started doing more, and now I'm doing one for every major mission as I play through 2 again. It's...interesting.


End file.
